#4 of 365

January 4th/Me

About Picture: This picture is somewhat of how I picture my soul. More darkness than light, but then some days it feels reverse. 

Different Subject: How is it that my parents make me feel so bad for not going to church? Well, let me take it back. I kind of felt bad for not going to church last Sunday, because I was at a freaking casino, which is not my cup of tea and orange blossom anyway and I’ve been taught all my life that gambling is wrong. My mom asked me if I felt bad for not going, I just said I don’t know. Truth be told I kind of do. I haven’t told my husband this because he won’t understand. He’ll just tell me something I don’t want to hear either, so then I’ll feel stuck in the middle, like I do now! FML. I tossed and turned all last night, hearing my dad’s voice saying “I told you so…You don’t care about church…It’s not important to you. ” I feel like a disappointment. My own mother is now telling me that I should be the lead in the relationship when it comes to spirituality. I’m kind of flabbergasted at this.

 

Because I’m the piano player at my dad’s church, my mom now wants me there every Sunday too.  My husband does not want that. So once again, I’m in the middle. I wish he would go active duty, so I can move far from Alabama .So my husband and I can hear our own wants and desires apart from our families. It’s hard to even be in my own mind at the moment. I've been thinking about switching memberships for awhile now. I'm not all that fond of my father's church. I just want to break down and have a moment.    

But I won't have a moment, I'll stay strong. I told my husband how I was feeling and he says,


Hubby: "Hunny we had a great weekend and you had a blast we aren't sinners we aren't heathens. I don't see you acting this way after u broke the law speeding and rolling stop signs. Why, because your parents don't tell you, you were wrong for doing it. Please listen to your husband and not them for once. You didn't feel like it was wrong till you told your dad what you did and he put his two cents in...And that kind of stuff is whats gonna hurt our marriage. We do what works for us not what they want us to do. You only feel bad for the things they make you feel bad about but like I said let it be speeding and rolling stop signs they don't find it wrong so in return you don't. I hope looking at it that way will enlighten you. But ok I'm done."  

I told him I'll keep what he said in mind. I understand where he's coming from.The only thing is the sinners part. I have other beliefs for that.  I know for a fact, I am not forsaking my spiritual beliefs all because I'm not sitting in a pew every Sunday to worship with others, but I do like being there every other Sunday.