Devastated: Bleeding and Spotting

I want to get back to this place. 

That place was a place of peace and comfort, and that was only 3 days ago.

Yesterday, started off normally, I even worked out did 2 miles and 5 rounds of some exercises I saw on Instagram. Later on in the day I took my car to be fixed. Mason and I went to chic fil a. I got my car back, and then I went to go visit Stasi. I told her I was prego, and she didn't want to know. Oops, well I was about to leave but bathroom stop was first. I looked down when I was preparing to use the bathroom and saw the bottom of my underwear was filled with blood. 

Devastation has hit. It has been only a week and half since I found out I was pregnant! I'm comparing this time around to last time and it seems to be turning into that heartache really fast, and I REALLY thought this time was going to be the ONE, the EASY/SMOOTH pregnancy. 

:(

I went to the ER, but of course they didn't really give me much to go on. I've gone through the spotting and bleeding memo before. It didn't end well, so I'm pretty nervous/scared. 

I don't have severe cramping, but I can't help but think that severe sharp pain is coming along with lots of blood soon. 

:( 

I'm trying to remain positive, but God, it is hard. It's going on the 2nd day of spotting. I haven't experienced the huge amount of blood like I did yesterday it is just brown spotting, and only seen when I wipe. 

I did another progesterone test today. On my way back to work from the blood test, and I had a little break down. The tears were tears of fear, anger, hopelessness, and confusion!

  Hopefully I'll get the results of the blood test tomorrow. An ultrasound is next Monday. Hopefully, baby is still there by then. 

Scared and Worried

I don't want to go through this again. 

*sigh*

I want to get back to that place of peace and comfort. 

5 Weeks and My Mother

While I wait for the food to finish up and Mason is outside working on his nephew's bike, I'll write a little something, something. (DINNER: miso soup, green beans, sauteed mushrooms, and garlic chicken) Speaking of food, this time around I'm not dying to eat every minute. I eat like a normal human being. I eat like I've been eating before I knew I was pregnant. That is a wonderful thing, because I do not want to have to loose 100 lbs after baby lol.

My breast are still tender, but they are bearable! I keep a bra on. It helps. I get really sleepy, especially after lunch. I have to fight like I'm in mortal kombat to keep awake. 

This morning, oh this morning, that's when I got a lovely phone call! More like a harassing phone call from my mother! What about you say? Oh, you know, the usual, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" She went on to say her and my dad both had dreams about babies and just knew it pertained to me! I tried and tried to deny it, but she got me when she told me to "swear on God you aren't lying". . . . UGH! really? No i'm not going to swear on GOD! I'm not going there! She would not give up so I gave in. *sigh She said she wasn't going to tell the whole world like she did last time. I'm going to believe her.  I told her to at least wait until I'm out of the danger zone, PLEASE! She said okay. 

We will see. 

In the pictures I'm 5 weeks. :) 

4th Week Pregnancy Blog

So, I'm taking the advice of my pregnancy app and I want to start blogging my experience. I may even do some videos for YouTube once I have passed the 1st trimester. I'm going to try to go in a logical order, but I'm just going to write and see what happens. 

The first time I got pregnant it was very hard in many ways. 

1st. I was no where near the mental capacity to handle it

2nd. From the beginning I felt like something wasn't right

3rd. I was sick the whole time

4th. I was spotting/bleeding the whole time. I pretty much had a period for over a month

5th. I was ready for it to be over before the 6th week. 

I mean do you see the list? On the 7th week on Labor Day (of all days) I had a miscarriage. I wouldn't say I'm over it. I'm not. It hurts sometimes, but I am much better. 

After the miscarriage we waited 2 months per the doctors advice to try again. In my head I thought we would get pregnant like RIGHT then, but no that wasn't the case. That was another mental challenge for me. I thought I was broken or God hated me because I wasn't like the other fertile myrtle's in my family. It took 5 months, and that was after I had listened to a doctor. She said to do it every other day during the fertile period and let the sperm stay in for a while. Gosh darn it, by the grace of God that worked! Honestly, I didn't think it would work, my pessimistic ways were like, "April, you won't be pregnant even if you stand on your head for 2 minutes". haha GEE!

I took a pregnancy test 4/11 which was 5 days prior to my missed period, and of course it as negative. I was so disappointed, but unlike previous negative pregnancy test in the past 4 months I wasn't crying. lol I was okay, I had said it's just God's will that I not be pregnant right now. So I went on my marry way and when my period didn't come on. I was still like, "oh it will come on. It is just a day late."

Two days went by, and BAM! Denial was banished! 

<2nd pregnancy test in one day

I surprised Mason during a Whisper Challenge Tag we were filming for YouTube. So happy I got his reaction on camera! :)

So, how do i feel this time around? 

To be honest,

GREAT!

for now anyway lol

I am so thankful to GOD for answering my prayers. I did not want to feel like I did the 1st time around. This time around I feel: 

1st. Fine, normal, myself (not like my body has been taken over by an alien from outer space)

2nd. I spotted a tiny bit when I found out I was pregnant and I haven't since. Hopefully that will last

3rd. I'm not SICK!!!!! THANK JESUS

4th. I'm mentally stable!I'm not scared of gaining weight! My diet is under control unlike last time. I'm kicking my pessimism's butt! Optimistic April here I AM!

5th. I'm enjoying, going to enjoy my pregnancy. It doesn't need to be over right now! 

I can't wait to see our little one grow! :) 

*tear of joy*